Friday, October 5, 2012

Apocalyptic Preparedness: Why I Need To Step Up My Game

I live on a busy road, and though my house is set quite a ways back from said road, when I have the windows open in my bedroom I can hear the traffic. During the day, when I'm trying to fall asleep at night, when I wake up, it's just always there. I've gotten used to it but there are times that I miss living farther out of town where the only sounds were whatever birds were awake fluttering about and the smalls animals running around. 

So this morning when I was startled awake at 3:00 a.m. it took nary a second to realize how quiet it was outside. Like so quiet it kind of creeped me out a little. No, let me amend that. It didn't 'kind of' creep me out. It just did. And it was more than a little. I strained my ears but I heard no cars, no sounds of squirrels, birds, bugs or other creatures. No wind. No nothing. Ever get that feeling--where you get the chills and the hair on the back of your neck is standing up, but you just can't explain why?  Well that was me. I was out of it, trying to figure out why I jolted awake (which I still haven't figured out) and my first random, and clearly incoherent thought was, "wtf happened!?!".  

It was in this sleepy incoherence in the dead of the quietest night ever, that I became all too aware of the old house I live in. This had my mind wandering to all things scary and terrifying, including but not limited to vampires, werewolves, demons, aliens, and of course, zombies and I began to wonder if, should there be a Apocalypse, I could survive. I was not happy with the answer I came up with.  

Why wasn't I happy? Because my survivability rate is not looking good. Let's be honest. I am no spring chicken (I am closing in on 35 way to freakin fast). And also I might be getting better at maintaining my health and working out more, but I am no where near where I need to be to fend off all manner of danger that could lurk in an end of the world scenario. I can't do a damn thing about the first issue (sadly...), but the second, well the second is something I can control.

I mean seriously, if there are going to be zombies, demons, werewolves, vampires, aliens, and/or any other kind of apocalyptic baddies I really need to step up my game and get my ass in better shape. Hell even if the baddies are of the human variety (say, for example, a scenario akin to the destruction of the world's electrical grids and all hell breaking loose as happened in the new show Revolution), I need to be ready. Now perhaps I don't need to go out and practice with a crossbow or get trained in sword fighting, but I should be able to get through a tough 1 hour cardio workout without feeling like I might pass out. I am also thinking that I need to take up running. I hate running but if the zombies or demons or whatever takes over the world and it becomes survival of the fittest I need to learn to run without falling over my feet and taking a header into the sidewalk. (And yes, I've done this. I am the most uncoordinated person I know.) I think I also need to get a bike. It won't help in the winter, but in the other three seasons I could learn to out-bike a zombie riot should that become necessary. The demons, werewolves, aliens and vampires...well that's another story. Especially if the aliens can teleport. One problem at a time though.  

Right now, it's about kick starting my work out to fight off any end of the world hordes in whatever form they may come at me in. My first step will be adding some kickboxing to the rotation. Well, that and learning how to sharpen stakes without slicing any appendages off.

So kickboxing, running, biking, sharpening stakes...I've decided this is my Apocalypse Preparedness plan and my new workout plan. I'll worry about hording food after I get myself into Buffy-esque shape. Okay, so maybe I won't ever get in that good of shape, but even if I get a tenth of the strength the Slayer had, that should be good enough to increase my odds of surviving. It's all about baby steps after all. And whenever I think of complaining, procrastinating or otherwise not working out, I will remind myself of the impending doom and get my butt off the couch.  Instead of no pain no gain my new motto will be: 

Not getting off my ass and working out means I could die a painful, horrible, torturous death at the hands of flesh eating zombies, soul sucking demons, blood sucking vampires, throat ripping werewolves and/or evil baddies of the human variety intent on world dominance and/or destruction. 

This I think should do the trick in terms of motivation. It's too long for a bumper sticker, but I could probably have a banner made for my living room. And now even though I've been up since 3 a.m. I am going to tackle my first Apocalyptic Preparedness workout: the kickboxing DVD I've had sitting around forever but have never used. Wish me luck!

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